Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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