I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
