Betty ford says i'm here all night
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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