That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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