I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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