how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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