I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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