i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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