I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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