I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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