My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize