My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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