i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
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I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
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The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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