I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
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WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
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Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
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