...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
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Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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