that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
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You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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