Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
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You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
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I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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