i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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