You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
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She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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