I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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