last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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