Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
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Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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