i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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