I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
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Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
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You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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