I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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