I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
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I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
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I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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