I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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