I wish they made helmets for livers.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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