I think my fart just growled at me.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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