I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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