imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
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yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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