Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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