mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
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My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
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Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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