look no pants
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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