He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
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I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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