I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
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I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
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There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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