Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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