So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
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oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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