I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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