My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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