Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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