Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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