How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
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There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
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I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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