He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
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