i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
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That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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