Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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