last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
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The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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