I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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