it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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