when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
